Dear Zeed,

Today was a conscious effort to be happy. I took Setornam’s advice. Happiness is a choice and today I chose to be happy no matter what. It was hard, but for a few scattered moments today, I let go. Some advice I got from Helen also helped. She said I can’t heal completely, but it will scar over and I would learn to live with it. Today I decided to boss up, suck it up and swallow it. I’m not going to avoid the grief, I’m just going to learn to live with it until I get to a point where I can go a whole day without thinking about it.

Guess what though?! I had my first proper meal in a while. Kele Wele is bae fam! You know this lol. Oh, and I made a new friend. Very handsome guy, kinda looks like you…small p3! You are way finer and definitely more intelligent but hey not everyone can be dope like us, right? Lol. Anyways his name is Aurelien (hope I spelled that right), he’s Arab, he’s 29, he’s 6’3 and he’s got knocked knees…lol hopefully he never reads this.

I got my appraisal done today, you would be proud lol. Basically, today was pretty uneventful, and average. Oh, I almost forgot someone actually tried to piss me off. Someone you kinda know. But I am really trying to keep my cool these days. Honestly, I don’t understand some people though. Zeed seriously!!! people will act weird and then hold a grudge when you cut them off. This would be the time where if you were here, you’d be telling me to ignore them and calm down and I would swear up and down that I’m calm but then you’d still try and get on my nerves by telling me I’m not…lol trust me, they have been ignored. I refuse to let anyone get me out of my comfort zone I am creating for myself. I think knowing that life is so short has me in that place where I just can’t be bothered long enough. I’m learning small small wai.

Smile no  matter how much it hurts….this is the motto

Moving on from that, I do miss you, daddy said something yesterday that scared me shitless. He said “you have to get through this Kuks. Face the reality that as you grow older, you are going to lose people you love, and you have to learn to get through it. It hurts, but that’s life” …that is what I am doing. So, from now on I’m going to think of you as being away on tour and there’s no cell service. This is me coping. I’m just going to watch a movie and try not to think “too far”.  It’s day 9, and you are here in my heart.