A week ago I stood over you. Not to laugh at you or tease you like we used to do, not to say something incredibly silly, but to attempt to say goodbye to you. All I could do was ask why though. A week on, I’m asking the same question. I know by now it’s basically redundant but few would understand this desperate need for closure except they have felt the pain of losing someone dead to them. It has been 8 days since you passed and 7 since I saw your perfect face for the last time. I still don’t understand. I doubt I ever will.
On this 8th day I tried to work, to be productive, to eat (yomi was as far as I got). In all honesty, all I could do was playback last week in my head over and over again. From the moment I got the news to the moment I saw you laying there, not moving, not smiling at me, not speaking to me.
I want to be strong enough to handle grief as easily as I handle everything else. I want to say I don’t feel weak but I do. I’m starting to think I’m not the same person. You know me Zeed, I hardly cry over anything, but losing you has broken me. There’s no more fire, no more spark.
Remember a couple of months ago someone asked me on Facebook if a man had ever broken my heart. I sent you a screenshot and we laughed about it….but then now I don’t have the same answer anymore. I can’t have the same answer. I desperately want to heal, desperately want to be “ok”, and desperately want to be strong but I’m not quite sure I can. This is what being heartbroken feels like. I can now honestly say this is the first time I’m feeling it. Maybe now I won’t be so harsh on people who claim to feel it no matter where it comes from. Maybe now I’ll understand them better.
In other news, in the past week I have let go of a lot of people, a lot of feelings. Life is too short to have toxic people around me in the name of loyalty. I mean I’ve always known that,but it’s like you always said “you give a lot of advice but don’t follow it” I’m following it now. I blocked some people today. No calls, no texts. I’m also learning that it’s ok to make new friends (It’s something you said I needed to learn, after calling me a snob lol) I think I’m making some potential friends….don’t ask me what that means.
I have to say, there are people I’ve only known for a few days who have acted more like friends to me this weekthan people I’ve known for years. I’m learning that the hard way. I know one of the reasons you became my friend is because I’m a “warrior”(like you used to say) . Although that may be true in some ways, even warriors get injured and need time to heal. Just know that when I come out of this, I’m coming out more focused, stronger and more prepared. I wasn’t joking when I said I would make you proud. I’m going to do just that. Just give me some time to get out of this depression. It’s 8 days Zeed, I still miss and need you.