Dear Zeed,

Last night I had a conversation with your friend and school mate. It felt good to speak to someone who knew you because it was easier for him to understand why I feel the way I feel. We had a pretty long conversation. It was a relief. I cried a bit and I don’t really remember when I fell asleep but I woke up at 5:20am and got ready for work. I was early today, left home at 6:20am and I fought back tears on my way to work. It’s like every time I’m idle for a few minutes I think of you and start crying. I used the same route I did when I heard about your death, it felt like I had been stabbed, searing physical pain in my chest, kinda like how I feel writing this letter. I tried to sleep on my way to work to avoid seeing anything that reminded me of you. I almost sent a text to your WhatsApp just to try and see if you would respond. Lol…. silly I know, but I’m not used to you not being a text or a call away yet. I’m sure I will get there one day.

I got to work at 7:30am and sat staring at my laptop for a few minutes trying to prepare myself for the day. I had some editing to do so I was at post production most of the day getting that ready. I had my first meal since Monday. I bought Yomi yoghurt and digestive. It tasted horrible but your friend had said that need to eat and so did Elikplim, so I figured I had to try. It’s funny how nothing tastes good right now.

I spoke to your friend again, he said he didn’t want me to make a habit of writing these articles. I think he didn’t get how writing helps me heal so I explained it to him, and he got it. He said time will heal me…I really hope so.

I still can’t eat, I can’t sleep properly (my sleep pattern has always been messed up so imagine what it’s like now lol) dates make me cringe (any date before you passed) and I can’t handle people asking what happened to you because then I’m forced to think about your pain, about what you must have gone through before you took your last breath and how I wasn’t there for you. I failed you…smh I’m sorry. I’m really sorry Zeed. Someone asked me why I write to you when I know you can’t read. I said this is my craziness and we are all entitled to a little bit of craziness.

I feel like I’m losing my mind to be honest. Sometimes I feel like if I close my eyes and reach out long enough you’d be there to hold my hand when I open my eyes. Today was a colleague’s birthday, and he celebrated it in the office with a whole buffet, drinks, basically the whole shebang. I was trying hard to be happy. Don’t get me wrong, I am glad that he attained another year, birthdays now have more meaning to me since you left. Knowing that I won’t get to see your next birthday is doing a number on me. It made me emotional all over again. They kept asking “why aren’t you eating Kukua” all I could say was, I wasn’t hungry.

George’s birthday celebration

Everyone keeps saying I need to cheer up, I need to smile, I need to just “get over it” and I’m just like wtf does that even mean? How do I do that? How do I get to that point where I can think of you and just smile, and be settled and accepting of the fact that you’re not here? I can’t wait till I get there, I don’t think I have ever been this hurt by any death, and that includes blood relations that I’ve lost. Does that make me a bad person? I’m not sure at this point. I do know that I have never felt this way. I don’t know how to deal with this, and I don’t have anyone to talk to about it. Just break down without being judged as weak, or being laughed at as I have been already. Apparently being feminist means I can’t feel pain and I can’t cry and just be vulnerable like I was with you. It’s funny how as some people sent and are still sending messages of condolences, some people sent me messages to say I deserve what I got. As if I got anything. I was angry, I’m still angry with them or more with the fact that people can be so callous, I wanted to respond but I don’t have the strength or the energy to do or say anything at this point. I just want to grieve in my own way. Remember I said I was looking for season 7 of Jenifa’s Diaries and you called me a junkie hahahahaha…. well guess what? I finally got it. I’m going to watch a few episodes tonight. Hopefully that makes things better till I fall asleep. It’s day 4, I miss you badly and it hasn’t gotten any easier.

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