Today it still hurts that you aren’t here. I can’t stop crying. You’d have hated that I know, but I can’t help it. I had a dream about you. In the dream, we were talking about theism and atheism and you were being ever so wise as usual. I fell asleep….as usual! Hahahahaha. In the middle of the night, I woke up and you were standing there watching me, smiling. I asked ah but Zeed paaaa what kind of “stalkerish” thing is that? And you smiled and started walking away. That’s when I woke up and remembered you were gone. Smh It HURTS…It really hurts. But I mustered courage, got out of bed and prepared for work. I cried in the shower, cried on my way to work. Cried a bit at work but I got to work really early…Yeah, I know I know…. I did well paa! Lol. I wasn’t late.
Oh!!! Guess what? Someone said something to really piss me off. But I kept my cool, and told them “you know what, Yazeed would want me to ignore you so I will” I let it go. Funny how you left before I realized the importance of all the advice you’ve been giving me about my sharp tongue. Lol remember when you would come into my inbox or call me to tell me not to rip someone a new one? I swear its crazy how I don’t even have the energy to be funny today. I miss you Zeed.
I made a list of the most important things we have ever spoken about. The dreams that we had. I decided I’m going to do at least one good deed just for you. I’m calling it my Good Deeds for Zeed project. So today I donated blood to the blood bank. It made me feel good. Like I was making you proud by helping someone else do what you stopped doing so painfully. Live. As I’m writing this I have tears rolling down my cheeks. Zeed I miss you so much it physically hurts me. I really want to be strong but I don’t feel strong. I feel so vulnerable. It is physically draining all my energy trying to pretend to everyone that I’m ok. I have to choke back tears to keep from bursting out and weeping. Why did you leave me Zeed? This is not fair. You were too young, too good. Too perfect in my eyes. You shouldn’t be gone. I would give anything in the world to have you back for just a day. I never imagined someone could have such an impact on me in such a short time. You are everything I swear. Any mother would be so proud to have you as a son. I am so proud to say I know you…. knew you…smh. Past tense? Hah! Zeed!!! Hmmmm… I am trying not to cry I promise I really am. Only because I know for a fact that you hated that.
I tried to eat. Nothing tastes good right now. I even got a milkshake because we got those together…. but I couldn’t drink it. Thinking about what I was drinking just made me think of you and then I cried some more and I gave it out to one of those Niger babies at the mall. I guess that’s good deed for Zeed number two for the day. Remember that time we went to Junction mall after roaming the whole city? The Niger babies wanted money and we didn’t have singles so you went into a shop, bought water so you’d have some change and then gave it to them. I never told you this but that made me really proud. I felt like “yassss!!! That’s my baybay!!” lol you’re so good. Were so good…… smh I don’t think I can ever get used to this past tense thing. You are in my heart so as far as I’m concerned you are still here. I don’t think I’m going to sleep now. I’m gonna be thinking of you all night. Sue Me lol. I miss you Zeed. It has to get easier before I go mad. Lol I hope it gets easier…. this is just day 2.